2019 creeped up on us awfully fast. Most people have new year’s resolutions but not me. I’ve never been the type I guess.. Do I have things I want to improve on?
Do I know where to start? Nah fam. To be honest, I kind of feel out of touch with myself. On NYE I remember just feeling….there. Wasn’t really excited for the new year like I normally am. I think it is because I have been in a constant battle with myself. Before yesterday, I really wasn’t sure what I was feeling. But then I got a 4 minute voice memo from one of my friends…..
Let me tell you.
Being a mother, friend, grad student, career woman, girlfriend (sometimes, lmao) is A LOT to balance. No matter what you have going on, I am sure that you can relate to that as well. All of us are trying to juggle life right? I normally feel like I have a pretty good grip on it all but that has not been the case lately. Yesterday my friend flat out told me she felt I did not feel I valued our friendship.
It hurt. I cried. Why did she say that you ask? Well, she lives in a different city and out of the last four times she has been home in the past year I have only seen her once. Every time she has been home she has made an effort to get together and every time I was “too busy”. Trust me, if I was in her shoes I would feel the same way she felt too. I really do get it. But I also feel misunderstood. I value our friendship immensely. However, I have so much on my plate! When she was home and wanted to get together I could have stopped what I had going on and made time for her, and for that I do feel bad. But it wasn’t convenient for me at that time. That probably sounds so selfish….but it’s just how I feel. When she was home I decided to put myself first, which for me was needed at that time.
Get to the point girl.
My point is that I feel all over the place with life. It’s like dropping a whole bunch of marbles and trying to pick them all up but some of them are too far away and if I go after them I will lose the ones next to me.
Maybe that made no sense at all. But somebody feels me right? When I talked to her I realized that she is probably not the only person to feel that way. I know she isn’t. It was a reality check for me. I kind of feel like there are a lot of areas in my life that I am neglecting. I feel disconnected from myself. Even as I write this post. So new year, new me? Nah. New year, FIND ME. I just want to feel a sense of peace again. Now I just gotta figure out how.